I often coach leaders who are worried about ‘stepping over the line’ when it comes to being assertive.  

Many of us have been on the receiving end when someone has been too blunt, overpowering, even intimidating, and possibly bullying.  Yet, these overbearing leaders will see themselves as being assertive, where to us, they are being aggressive.

So what is the difference?
Well, being assertive means standing up for yourself and communicating your needs with confidence and respect. Whilst being aggressive often involves pushing others down to get what you want.

People can often associate standing up for themselves with being loud, domineering, or having a physical presence.  Yet, the reality is that anyone of any height, voice, or gender can be assertive.   For some of us, it may just take a bit of practice.

Here are some tips on how to communicate more assertively with others:

Think and talk about yourself POSITIVELY.

  • Eliminate adding qualifying statements to your opinions or requests (e.g., “you’ll probably think this is crazy, but…”, “…I guess”, “but that’s just my opinion”).
  • Reduce tag questions (e.g., “does that make sense?”, “is that okay?”).

Consciously take responsibility for yourself and avoid taking responsibility for others.

  • Eliminate “should”, “ought to”, and “have to”.
  • Practice using the phrase “I choose to” or “I intend to.”.

Giving and getting information

  • Recognise closed or yes/no questions.  When you are asked a yes/no question respond with a yes/no answer. You do not need to elaborate upon or justify any response you give.
  • Recognize open or seeking information questions. Give as much information as you feel comfortable in response to the question but don’t feel you have to justify your answer.

“I” statements

  • Avoid using “you” statements that distance you from your feelings. Instead, use statements that begin with “I feel ______”.
  • Avoid using “you” statements that accuse.  Many people interpret statements that begin with “you” as blaming and often become defensive in response.

Giving and receiving constructive criticism

  • Talk about the behaviour, not about the person. Be as specific as possible.
  • Learn to discriminate between something that is your problem from something that is their

Feeling talk

  • Specify feelings (e.g., I see, I hear).
  • Practice “I feel…” statements rather than using “I think…”
  • Recognize that no one can tell you how to feel. There are no right or wrong feelings, feelings just are.

Statements without explanations

  • You have a right to your opinions and decisions.
  • A simple “no” is often enough, without excuses or explanations.

Saying no positively

  • Sometimes giving a straight ‘no’ can be seen as combative, so instead give some context by saying “no, because….” Often when we give a reason as to why we are saying no, it’s received well.
  • Be open to compromise, so instead of a straight ‘no’, try providing an alternative solution by saying: “yes I can do this / help at this date and time….”

Persistence

  • Use the broken record technique: repetition of a simple statement of fact (e.g., “I am not available at 2:00, our original time is better for me”).
  • Use reflection: repeat what they’ve just said to you word for word to let them know they have been heard, and then say ‘however’ before giving your reasons.

Set clear boundaries

  • Be clear on your message of what you will do and when. If you don’t want to be contacted after 6 pm, then share with others what time they need to reach you by.
  • And remember to be consistent, don’t start bending your boundary rules as people will then assume that they don’t exist.

We are always happy to build up the confidence, communication skills, and connections within your teams.  So why not get in touch and see how we can support your organisation.