We all prefer a carrot over a stick, yet how often as parents, managers, or leaders do we default to some tried and tested sharp-pointed phrases of discouragement?  Invariably, our words of disappointment or dissatisfaction come out before we realise – an old habit – that if not checked will continue.

We know how words can move us, motivate us, and also wound us.  So, taking time to choose our words with more encouragement and compassion, can have a far lasting and positive impact. 

Research from this year’s Gallup Global survey suggests that manager engagement fell from 30% to 27%, and overall employee engagement at 21%, with 17% actively disengaged.  They share that only 33% of employees claim to be ‘thriving’, with ‘58% struggling’ and ‘9% struggling’.  Quite daunting figures.

As leaders, how can we move those around us from struggling to thriving? One way is by spending more time giving positive feedback, praise and acknowledgement. We can give more thought to the power of our words, having a positive intention, and let’s be honest, having more of a listening ear.

So, to help you move from default barbed comments to more championing conversations, take inspiration from some of these well-rehearsed phrases and how to turn them around.

Instead of saying – say this:

  1. I expected a lot more of you. Instead say:
    1. I believe in you.
    2. I know you have it in you to do this.
    3. That’s been a great effort.

  2. You just don’t get it, do you? Instead ask:
    1. What do you understand so far?
    2. What’s the bit that is missing for you?
    3. If you were to hazard a guess, what would it be?

  3. Who is responsible for this mess? Instead ask:
    1. Talk me through your thinking.
    2. If we were to do this again, how would we do it differently?
    3. What can we learn from this experience?

  4. You’re usually much better at this. Instead ask:
    1. Tell me how you think you did.
    2. What one thing would have made this even better?
    3. What you did really well today was….

  5. We can’t afford to make mistakes. Instead say:
    1. What is going to be a good outcome from this?
    2. What is going to get in the way of this being successful?
    3. What can we learn?

  6. I’ve shown this to you a dozen times already. Instead ask.
    1. What is a better way for you to capture this process?
    2. I’ve noticed that you are still not sure of this, what can we do differently?
    3. What is the best way for you to remember information? Is it by writing it down, watching a video, or shadowing someone – what works for you?

  7. Just do as you are told. Instead ask:
    1. If you were in my shoes, what would you do differently?
    2. If there were a fly on the wall, what ideas would they hear from the team?
    3. What’s the first thing you need to do, and next, and next?

  8. You don’t need to know. Instead say:
    1. Let’s be candid.
    2. What do you want to know?
    3. Let’s see what emerges.

  9. Will it really take that long? Instead ask:
    1. How can I help you get this done quicker?
    2. What will help you get this done sooner?
    3. Tell me how you are breaking down the timescales?

  10. Great job today. Instead say:
    1. What I appreciated about today was…
    2. What I noticed you do well today was…
    3. I noticed how you did this…. To achieve this result today

If you’d like to explore more about the language of leadership, your Inner Leader, and other leadership and management training, ask us about how we can support your team with some of our Bitesize or longer leadership training programmes.