We all can be hard on ourselves from time to time. It’s quite natural to give ourselves a little talking to, a small nudge in the right direction, or a reminder that we are ‘better than this’. Yet, sometimes our internal motivational talk can become more critical, more extreme, and more often pulling us further and further down a negative mental path.
Typically, when we have a bout of low confidence, looking for the negative in ourselves, rejecting compliments and praise, and assuming everyone is better than us, can result in low self-esteem as well. We may even look in the mirror and don’t like what we see, or are unsure of who we really are anymore.
We know statistically that low self esteem impacts more woman than men, for a variety of reasons. A study conducted by the Harvard Medical School showed that male and female brains differ, with female brains having “larger volume in the frontal and limbic cortices.” Even if you don’t understand the science behind it, as women we can relate to the added impact of hormones, peer pressure, body image and trauma; meaning that women are more predisposed to have a lower sense of self-worth, than men.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) conducted a campaign in June 2024 to highlight how therapy can help women with self-doubt and low self-esteem. It discovered that almost half of women “struggle with, or are affected by, self-esteem issues.” 54% of women said that their self-esteem “impacts their day-to-day choices” and held them back from “seeking new opportunities”. Not surprisingly body image was a key source of stress followed by social comparison, career and romantic relationships.
Whilst these statistics seem quite daunting, the positive way of looking at them is – you and I are not alone.
As a coach for over 22 years, you’d think that I’d be a perfect role model for confidence, self-worth, and positive esteem. And to be honest I am – until those moments in time when I am over tired, or have over committed, or just pushed myself too far into the unknown, and then the doubt and the critical chatter from my Victim (Poor Me) and Pleaser Saboteurs (Ms Starlight) kick in.
So what can we do about it?
The work by the author Byron Katie is a great pause for thought process to encourage you to ‘turn around your thinking’ by asking these four questions of your critical chatter.
- Is it true? (Is the stressful or negative thought true?)
- Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do I react when I believe that thought?
- Who would I be without the thought? Or, how would I feel if I didn’t have the thought?
This is deep reflective work which sometimes needs to be done more than once to bypass your Saboteurs filtering your responses. The key is to ask these four questions when you are not stressed but relaxed, that way you are more receptive to exploring your unconscious thoughts.
So, the next time you start on that downward spiral – stop – relax and ask your four turnaround questions. And if you need some guidance, then get in touch as we’d be more than happy to help.